A bit more personal

I hear a voice
calling out my name.
I turn to find
who came
to see me go—

as I step into
an empty elevator shaft.

The sun, baring its yellow grin,
dismantles my skin,
as I am thrust into an unknown ocean
consumed by devotion
to nothing in particular.
Yet I feel no regret
as I give back
what I used to call my own.

Throw me away
into the blue,
no choice but to speak true.
I fear the sun,
yet I want to become a sun—
yes, its heir—
and shine rays of
removed excess.
A fool
overfull with joy,
no less.

Carve me at my joints,
and anoint my feet.
The beauty of the moment
is movement—
no wasted motion,
only momentum.

This is my sanctum;
underneath, I sizzle with heat.
I stop feeling the fear
as a new beginning draws near;
I feel my insides being taken away,
left with only what I need.

How I wish
the sky would wrap around
my head.
How I wish
my feet would stick to the ground.

But I can't help but smile
at myself
in the mirror.
A time is ending,
but I do not know it yet.

on my way home
saw a little girl
on the back of her mother's bike
we looked at each other
longer than strangers usually dare to do
she even turned around to look at you
checking whether the moment was still true
yet you forgot to smile

such a small crime
only you could convict yourself for it

i hope i didn't disappoint her
you think
as if a whole afternoon
warps around the corners of a mouth
you forgot to move
as if a moment too late
can make a million seconds ache

i am at the wrong bus stop again
on the wrong side of the road
in the wrong direction
watching three buses
pass on to the other side
where's mine?

so i walk
different place under the sun
under the same sky
yet the same thoughts
follow me home

then
two bike bells rang
almost a perfect fifth apart

A bright smell of osmanthus
cuts through the air—
thin,
tear apart
the skin.

Sticky shoes on the ground.
Broken glass and empty bottles.
Watch me perform
a nose dive
into a puddle.

Burning vapor pervades the room,
the sting settles in my nose.
People gather round
the fallen cup.
There is no way but up.

Up on the ladder—
where the wood groans
under the heavy weight of their eyes.
Dissolve your human ties.
Walk the tightrope
between the clever and the dead
to go under.

Show your shiny feathers—
a witty joke
tossed down
for good measure.

Oh, I wish
I was stronger,
eyes twitching.
How could I ignore her?

Oh, I wish
I was better,
hot molten metal.
How could I forget her?

Oh, I wish
I hadn’t met her.

Pour it in my brain.
Make me matter
to her.